The Roughest Start

I have noticed since beginning this little blog, that I cannot write unless I am inspired, and that inspiration is very closely tied to how close I am walking with Jesus. I cannot tell you how many blogs I have almost posted, but had to stop because I knew they just were not quite right. So with this post, comes a confession. This semester was rough. Rough, as in sandpaper tears kind of rough. The kind of tears you do not want to cry, because they actually hurt when they come out. I cannot really put words to all of it, and even if I could I probably would not share it on a blog post. This pain had so many facets and involved so many areas of life. I am not sure if it was all connected or just a conglomeration of hurt.

In essence, my heart has been ship wrecked. Not broken, because when someone breaks something they can fix it or get it fixed. When you are shipwrecked, you have to wait and hope that help comes. And for a gal not certified to sail in the first place, I had no idea to even sort of kind of get out of that hurt. My heart ran aground due to my faulty sailing, and because I decided to go alone I was left in the waters unaccompanied and without a flare. I stole the ship and headed for what I thought might be treasure island, knowing all a long I was heading for the Bermuda triangle. Deep deep pain. An ocean of hurt it seems.

 

 

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But God.

He came out in a double kayak, because he knows my recent obsession with these delightful vessels, and because he thinks it is hilarious to watch me try to get into one. He calmed the seas. He took me ashore, fed me, gave me a warm bed to sleep in and the next morning like Valjean I stole another ship and did it again. It seems that this semester, shoot perhaps for the last couple of years; I have been obsessed with taking matters into my own hands. Not always, maybe not even most of the time, but certainly enough to get me to where I was this semester.

I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.

Joy demolished. Purpose unclear. Listless. Cynical. Frustrated. Sad. So so sad.

In the mean time I wrote this blog post, about one of the most delicate areas of my life. God blessed it and gave me favor. Many of my friends were touched by it. I was excited to see God’s blessing in my life. To watch as he inspired and confirmed my actions. Funny how God can use you even in the midst of your half-hearted commitment. I made a plan. I started following it.

Then I got lost at sea. In the midst of heart break, a difficult academic semester, God stamping a giant question mark on my once-decided future, and a ton of other junk; I failed to accomplish my goals in that area.

I set a goal for May 31^st to accomplish my first mile stone, and I did not even come close to getting there. So yep here I am admitting that I took one step up the stairs, fell down and then just decided to stay there.

Failure. Failure. Failure.

The weight of my non-victory weighed me down like the dumbbells I was not lifting.

I have failed before. One would think I was quite comfortable with the feeling by now. Nope. The sickening feeling of shame crept in, only now I had dozens who had read my story and knew I was trying to succeed. They were watching as I failed, and I felt like everyone knew. I just could not wait to get out of SBU and home where I figured things would be easier. The first week back home was just as rough as my hardest week at SBU. I was distressed to say the least. My self-esteem was at an all-time low. You seriously should have been inside my head and heard the lies I was telling myself.

You are not pretty. You are fat. You are ugly. You are not wanted, and you never will be. You are not ever going to get out of this. You are a failure. Everyone knows you failed. Your personality sucks. You are too loud. You are too much. You smother people. Your family does not think you are valuable. You have no purpose anymore. This hurt has no end. You sinned too much this time. You never listen. You are only disobedient. Your failure is too deep to get out of. This depression is completely your fault. Is there any area of your life that you are not a failure in?

Drowning.

I am nearly crying writing this. The darkness really was overwhelming.

When Jesus was about to go to the cross he prayed in the garden, and he cried “DADDY!”  In my time of despair I too I screamed, “GOD you are my dad! Protect your daughter. Rescue me! I know I got myself into this. I know I did this, but I need you. I cannot breathe dad.” I rarely think of God as my dad. This is just not something I often dwell on, but he has completely proved himself.

Throughout this pain God has been working in me, with me, through me, above me, below me. He has never slept or left. I know this, because he promised in His word that he would never leave.

So in relation to this journey to rightly relate to my body and to food, God has still been working. This time was not completely fruitless. I did not reach my goals, but I know why; and I know God can help me get there. I am not sure why I think that 20 years of bad habits will go away suddenly. That is a very American view of all of this. I am overhauling dozens of patterns that have been a mainstay for years. This is not going to be simple. This will not be clean and easy. This is really, really hard. And I need my Jesus every step of the way.

During this time I have been learning about the power of the Holy Spirit in my life. Jesus conquered sin and death on the cross. When God sent the Holy Spirit, he sent the power to conquer sin and death. That means, as I am right now; I have everything I need to overcome this sin. More than that, God has prepared this journey ahead of time that I may walk in it. He has also promised to finish this. He did not start this to leave it unfinished. He is not going to leave this alone, in the best of ways. I strongly encourage you to listen to this sermon series on the Holy Spirit. This has changed the way I view almost everything.

The word of God has encouraged me deeply. I am not completely well. I am not out of this. I still feel the dark thoughts on the brink of coming back. I know that if I dwelt on it, I could be right back where I was, but that is all of our story. We are always precariously close to destruction, if we chose to grab the wheel. That is why we need the Spirit!

So I am back up and ready to fight, yes it is a fight. Asking God to fill you with His Spirit is not the easy way to go. As I am learning, you cannot quench the Spirit in one area of your life and expect him to work in the other areas. You have to listen. You have to be perceptive to his guidance, which for me has meant prayer, reading, witnessing, obedience, and a lot of, “God I need help.”

So July 7^th, is the next goal post, and I am believing in faith that God is going to accomplish this in me. Will you believe with me? Will you pray for me? I need that. I really do.

God never left me. I am His. Those lies I told myself, nearly killed my spirit. Jesus loves me, and according to His word I am alive together with Christ. I am seated with him in the heavenly places. I have been brought near to God by the sacrifice Christ made. I have access to the father through the Spirit. I am a member of the household of God. I am a dwelling place of God. Wow. And to you believers who have been listening to lies, and telling yourself these lies, go read Ephesians 2. I just copied Paul. Those things I just said apply to every believer reading this. If you belong to Christ, you too are a member of the household of God.  For those of you who are skeptical of this Christ. read Ephesians 2 below. What he did for me, can certainly be done for you.

So let’s go sailing with the captain.

 

Much Love,

Sarah Jean

 

 

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.  For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Therefore remember that at one time you Gentiles in the flesh, called “the uncircumcision” by what is called the circumcision, which is made in the flesh by hands— remember that you were at that time separated from Christ, alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility  by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace,  and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility. And he came and preached peace to you who were far off and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access in one Spirit to the Father.  So then you are no longer strangers and aliens,but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord.  In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit.

-Ephesians 2